This week I want to write about: Facing Our Fears in Difficult Times.
How do you face your fears? In today’s worrying times we’re all affected by fear, but it’s how we avoid being controlled by it that matters.
In January 2018, I went to Bali Silent Retreat. I spent 5 days in silence, nourished by daily yoga practices, meditation routines, delicious vegan food, and spiritual reading materials. It was heavenly!
One of the books I read there was “The Place that Scares You” by Pema Chödrön. Right at the start, she talks about “The First Mark of Existence”:
“That nothing is static or fixed, that all is fleeting and impermanent, is the first mark of existence. It is the ordinary state of affairs. Everything is in process. Everything—every tree, every blade of grass, all the animals, insects, human beings, buildings, the animate and the inanimate—is always changing, moment to moment. We don’t have to be mystics or physicists to know this. Yet at the level of personal experience, we resist this basic fact. It means that life isn’t always going to go our way. It means there’s loss as well as gain.”
Nothing is permanent. Everything changes. If we quiet down and check-in with ourselves, we will see how much we resist this fact vehemently. When it comes to the things we own and the people we love, we want to control them. Also, this control comes with various degrees. For example, we might secretly want our partners to look a certain way, or we might demand them to change the way they look to our approval.
The root of any controlling behaviors is fear.
“Oh, My Gold!”
The thing we hold on tight is the thing we fear losing the most.
Imagine you have a brick of gold. Although the gold is in your possession, you insist on holding it with your hands without putting it down in the fear of losing it. Gradually, the gold feels heavier and heavier, whilst your ownership of the gold hasn’t particularly changed: You don’t own it “more” just because you’re gripping it tightly. All it has become is a burden: the gold is weighing you down and causing you stress.
There are other ways for you to safeguard the gold. Clinging to it with fear isn’t the best way.
The Place That Scares Us
With the current pandemic situation of spring 2020, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and fearful. When ordinary things we do in our daily routines might pose a threat to our health, of course, we feel restricted and frustrated. It’s easy to dwell in the mass media coverages to stay “informed and updated”. It’s easy to plan ahead and buy lots of toilet paper to store in the house to feel “safer”. It’s also easy to blame the government for not taking enough action or acting too slowly…
What is truly difficult, at the time of uncertainty and challenge, is for each and every one of us to look inward and face our own fears.
Behind all the panic lies a fundamental fear that is unpleasant to look at and to feel. When we let fears take control, we revert to a survival state of mind and our behavior becomes hyper-vigilant and primitive. We scan for signs and cues that are “dangerous”. We become reclused or tribalistic. We do a lot to get “over” the fears, while in fact, what we should do is to get “into” our fears.
From Fear To Fearless
Fear, when we really break it down, is a sensation in our body. So I encourage you to stop for a minute and sit with yourself:
- What is My Fear?
- Where does it show up in my body?
- How does that FEEL?
Sit with that sensation for a moment. Does it feel like a tightening in your chest? A grip in your stomach? A tiny pulsing at the corner of your head?
Fearlessness isn’t the absence of fear, but the courage and willingness to show up for ourselves when we are afraid. Our courage evokes the wisdom and compassion that live inside our bodies, and we can access that by being fully present with ourselves.
So in order to better handle the changes life throws our way, we must add in our daily routines some quiet moments to observe our breath and body. Especially right after we wake up and before we plug into computer devices. I practice Insight meditation(Vipassana) daily and it helps me gain clarity, collectiveness, and focus.
Remember, it’s often by walking the unclear path of life that we learn to fully appreciate and live our precious lives. 😊
You can read an excerpt from Ani Pema’s “The Place that Scares You” here.
Request a free consultation with me to talk about your fears, life, relationships, or spiritual journey. It’s 100% confidential and you’ll get answers about how coaching with me can help you and will be able to assess whether coaching with me is a good fit for your needs.